Unexpected News

Pete and Moon Birochak

"You have Breast Cancer..."

Hello friends, my name is Moon Birochak and I was recently diagnosed with breast cancer.  When I say, recently, I mean, I was notified this week - on Wednesday, June 26, 2013.

Disclaimer to my readers:

Welcome to my blog - my space where I will vent, cry, laugh, and share my experience with breast cancer.  To my readers, my writings are straight from my heart - plain honest and straight forward. You may not like some of the things you read or see; You may not agree with me; You may find me offensive.  I do use adult foul languages at times. But I won't apologize.  You have the freedom and liberty to stop reading my blogs.  So please don't judge me and just go find another blog to read.  If not, feel free to proceed.

In the beginning

I knew I was at high risk for breast cancer when my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2009 but she was 53 years old.  I expected breast cancer when I reached her age, not now at 35 years old.  I was surprised and stunned.  It took me a few days to compose myself and share this with my friends and family without breaking down in tears.

I began self breast examination ever since my breast began to develop, especially when my mother identified her first fibroid tumor in her breast when she was in her 30s.  Ever since then, I knew I needed to check my breasts on a regular basis. My first fibroid tumor was identified after a biopsy sometime in 2010.  (I'm guessing here because I can't exactly remember the time frame). Needless to say, I didn't worry about it since my doctor said it was normal for young women.

Unfortunately, I identified another lump but it was in my left breast about 3 months ago.  The strange thing about this lump that worried me was the thickening feeling around the lump along with the dry patchy area on my areola.  I thought it was the winter weather so I would exfoliate the dry patch and apply tons of lotions and vaseline.  It took me 3 months to check myself in with a doctor who then scheduled me for a mammogram and ultrasound at Lexington Medical Center on Monday, June 24, 2013.  The biopsy was immediately scheduled the next day.  During the biopsy, the surgeon and the technicians comforted me and said my samples looked "rubbery like a fibroid and not to worry."

Well, guess what.  Wednesday afternoon at approximately 3:30 pm, Kelly Jeffcoat, oncology nurse, called me with the results of the biopsy.  She called and said, "Moon, is this a good time to talk?"  Sure I said, I mean, it can't be bad, right?  I was driving on the freeway on the way to meet my client to get a real estate purchase contract signed.

The Biopsy Results

Kelly proceeded to tell me the biopsy was cancer.  I couldn't breathe at the moment.  I was stunned.  Shocked.  Completely in disbelief.  Denial.  Was she talking to the right person?  Maybe the paperwork messed up?  Is she confused with whom she is talking to?  All these thoughts went through my mind.  How can I possibly have cancer when my last physical exam showed me in good health?

I started to breakdown and cry on the phone.  Kelly tried to comfort me and said she'll schedule an appointment with a surgeon right away.  I said, thank you and I hung up the phone.  My next call was to my husband, Pete.  I sobbed while I tried to break the news to him.  Pete, on the other hand, took it really well. He was making all sorts of plan of actions for me.  If he was shocked or worried, he didn't show it. My husband was confident and strong about the whole situation.  His attitude calmed me.  That's when I knew I love my husband and I appreciated his strength in this matter.

Meeting the Surgeon, Dr. Lynn Tucker at Lexington Surgical Associates

I met with Dr. Lynn Tucker on Friday, June 28, 2013.  As soon as I met her, I liked her.  Most of all, I trusted her.  She reviewed my pathology report and made her recommendation with confidence.  I asked her questions on my options between lumpectomy and mastectomy.  She suggested lumpectomy since my tumor was manageable and she was able to save my breast.  If I elect mastectomy, I would lose my nipple.  However, I would be candidate for reconstructive surgery since my breast would not be the same size.  Worse, it will be disfigured - however slight it may be.  Honestly, I was uplifted by this news.  I asked her if my insurance would cover the boob job.  She said, absolutely.  It's reconstructive surgery.  I said, "Thank you Jesus for my new pair of perky boobs."

At this time, my surgery is scheduled for July 9.  I'm very nervous and anxious about my surgery.  I'm not concerned about the scar that will be left behind on my breast.  I'm more concerned about my psychological damage when it's time to remove the bandage and I see the remains of my breast.  

Yes, I'm vain

The thought of disfiguring my breast disturbs me.  I feel like I haven't worn enough skanky tops, low cuts, v-necks, etc. to warrant my breast loss.  Strange that I was more conservative when I had even boobs.  Now, I feel ripped off..like the freedom to choose is revoked from me.  I don't even have a choice in this matter.  I've decided that on the fourth of July weekend, I'm just going to let my sisters hang loose - wear a bikini...wear anything that shows the cleavage.

Insecure Thoughts

The more I read about surgery, the more my imagination runs wild.  I googled images of lumpectomy and of course, it freaked me out.  I couldn't help but wonder what my husband will think of me after the surgery.  Will he find me attractive?  Unlike other men, my husband isn't much of a boob man.  Or he never exhibited any signs of ever being a boob man.  I guess I'm blessed in this respect. But it still leaves me insecure...

God, is this in your plan for me?

I'm a Christian but I'm a young Christian.  I describe myself as such because I struggle with God.  I can't seem to completely trust in God and let Jesus take the wheel from me.  I'm a control freak.  I know I need to stay strong and positive about this.  But I can't help but ask God why me.  Yeah yeah, people say God won't give you anything you can't handle but why me?  

Some of the things people say are:

-"I'm so sorry to hear about your cancer.  Pray to God for he is the ultimate healer"

-"Stay strong Moon! I know you can kick cancer's ass"

- "You're in my thoughts and prayers!"

- "It's won't be bad. Just an incision" (I replied - Easy for you to say, it's not your boobs)

I'm reading Dear God, They Say Its Cancer, a Christian book written by a Breast Cancer Survivor.  The author, Janet Thompson, is very optimistic and she says God gave her the mission to write about her cancer experience to help other women.  I can't say I share this sentiments right now.  Does this mean I'm a horrible Christian?  

The way I see it is: God loves me but he also teaches me lessons.  I say this because prior to my cancer revelation, I was feeling depressed and unhappy about my life.  I don't know if you share this feeling about your life sometimes but life hasn't been anything I envisioned when I was young.  So yes, I'm very disappointed with myself and my life.  I always thought I would be in a different place in my life.  But instead, every day is a challenge and hardship.  

I've read a lot of books - The Purpose Driven Life, etc...but I'm still left unsatisfied. Is it because I don't have the holy spirit in me?  Am I missing Jesus?  If so, where are you Jesus?  I want you in my heart.  Why aren't you in my heart?  Why don't I have that contentment that other Christians possess?  How do I obtain that glow?

God has given me a choice.  To fight and live or give up and let the cancer consume me to death. My fight or flight instinct kicked in...and I choose to fight.  This whole cancer situation really changed my outlook where I am now appreciating the smallest things in life.  I'm appreciating my husband, my friends, family, kind strangers and the medical team.  Is this what God is trying to teach me?  Love?  I guess I'll keep learning about God as I go through this process.