It's raining HAIR and my second Chemotherapy treatment

It's just hair...

My Oncologist nurse, Theresa, warned that I would lose my hair by the second week after my first chemotherapy.  I didn't want to believe her.  No, I refused to believe her. I thought I was resilient, strong, and special.  After all, I have black thick coarse hair and I never foresaw thinning or hair loss in my future.  Yes, I'm that vain and prideful.  

I thought it would be easy to shave my head like Britney Spears or Sinead O'Conner or GI Jane.  I thought I could just give myself a buzz cut that easily. 

But I couldn't.  I had to warm up to the idea.  It was frightening to see my shedding hair. I saw my strands of hair on my pillow, on my shoulders, on the floor, in the sink, on the dining table...everywhere around me.  I tried not to panic but it disgusted and saddened me.   I cried a few times at the thought of losing my hair.  I sniffled a little bit with Pete.  I sniffled a little bit alone in the shower.

My Slow Image Transformation

My long luscious lock early this year 2013

 

The beginning of 2013, I had long black hair pass my shoulders.  Who knew I would be diagnosed with breast cancer that would change my life forever.

This photo with Pete was taken at the Cirque du Soliel performance earlier this year.  It was one of our date nights.  

Short hair cut before my portacath surgery

I decided to cut my hair into a bob before my portacath surgery.  It was a slow transition to get used to the idea of my slow image change.  I really liked my bob.  It was cute. 

This photo was taken with my sister, Kyoung, at my follow up appointment after my first chemotherapy in August.

During the second week after my first chemotherapy, my hair texture was dry and it began to shed.  Since my hair was still long as a bob, my shedding was noticeable. My hair was beginning to fall everywhere.

My Initial Attempt to Shave My Head

On August 29, 2013, I decided to visit my hair stylist, Johanna, at Famous Hair on Harbison to shave my head.  All morning, I cried a little bit at the thought of having to shave my hair.  My husband, Pete, teased me and said "I thought you were all gung-ho about being GI Jane and couldn't wait to shave your head! You're all talk."

I replied that I was trying to be positive and confident about the whole situation but reality is, I didn't want to look like a sick person.  I told myself that losing hair means my cancer cells are dying.  With each and every strand, I imagined another good and bad cell dying away.  

I'm still a woman, a vain woman at that.  I love make up, clothes, shoes, purses....Now I had to think about how I was going to style my bald head.

I sat at the salon waiting for my turn for my hair cut.  But as soon as I sat down with Johanna, the flood of tears were unleashed.  My tears came streaming down as I told Johanna I needed to shave my head.

Johanna ran her fingers through my hair and saw the strands that kept coming out.  She took a brush to assess how much hair I was losing.  She said I was losing hair but because I have such thick hair, I didn't have any noticeable bald spots or anything.  She recommend I get a pix cut.  So, she went scissor happy and chopped, chopped, and chopped.  It was strange to see my fall on my apron and all over the floor.  My head felt lighter and airier.  I liked it.

The Morning After

Constant shedding

Thinning and balding

The day after my pixie cut, clumps of hair began to fall and I noticed a bald spot on the left side of my front head.  My scalp itched like a mad woman and of course, the more I itched and shook my hair, the more it would fall.  Worse, it was all over my clothes and everywhere I went.  The shedding was never ending.  I knew it was time I needed to pull up my boot straps and shave.  

 That evening, I took out my dog grooming clippers.  That's right...my dog clippers cause I didn't have any other clippers around. LOL. As gross as it sounds, I sanitized the clippers I was going to use and I figured I used it on my dog and he seems to be fine.

I was going to shave myself that evening but my Aunt Yoonhee stepped in and said she'll help although she was utterly clueless as it was her first time. I told her I'll help guide her.

Aunt Unnie with my clippers

The first shave

 My Aunt took the clippers and she seemed a little nervous about taking the first shave.  I told her to start from the front and work with the grain the the hair growth.

She did well.  I didn't look at myself in the mirror as she shaved my head.  I was sitting too low but I saw that first clipping fall and I sighed with relief.  I was finally getting the inevitable done and over with.

I was a little nervous at what I would look like. But the shave felt so good as it alleviate my itchy head.  Surprisingly, I didn't cry or feel sorry for myself.  I felt good.

Shaolin Monk style

Perfect egg shape

Kinda messy on the back

My cool and refreshing Shaolin Monk Style.  You can see my receding hair line already. LOL.  When I first glanced at my own reflection in the mirror, I couldn't help but laugh hysterically.  My own image cracked me up.  I don't know if it's a mixture of feeling disbelief and curiosity.  I began to wonder who this woman was that was staring back at me.  She looked tough and strong.  She didn't look ill or like a typical cancer patient.  She looked like she can beat somebody up!  I thought that all I was missing was a nose piercing and an arm band tattoo with a leather jacket.  I would totally look like a character from "The Girl with a Dragon Tattoo."

I was amazed at my nice shaped head. I couldn't help but think that God's blessed me with a nicely shaped head and he prepared me for this journey. LOL.

On Sunday, my mother-in law invited me over for lunch.  My brother-in-law, Ivan, has a shaved head and he said he uses Mach 3 razors to shave his head clean.  I said, Oh, that's how you men do it.  I look his advice that evening.

You can see from the back of my head that my Aunt pretty much shaved what she could as an unprofessional barber. LOL.  I do appreciate that she did it for me.  I initially asked my mother to shave my head but she freaked and said she couldn't do it.  I think she cried as she ran away from me into the kitchen.  So, my Aunt stepped up to the plate.

Discovering the Mr. Clean look

Ms. Clean look. LOL

Who can't admire my perfect head?!!

The following evening, I decided to take the razor blade and give myself a clean shave.  I did it myself because I didn't like the thought of somebody else taking the blade on my head.  So, with a mirror on my one head, I shaved with the other.  It was so surreal to shave and see my find without any hair.

I would be lying to you if I told you I was fine. When I finished, I laughed hysterically at myself.  I laughed so hard I was crying at the same time.  I can't really describe the feelings I felt when I looked at my shiny head.  It was just a jumbo of thoughts.

My thoughts were:

• "OMG.  Look at that perfectly shaped head.  So, this is what my head looks like"
• "This is unbelievably ridiculous.  Who knew I would be bald one day"
• I look like a Shaolin Monk.  Would people think I'm a Monk?
• "If I were single, would I still get dates? Would somebody actually find me attractive and ask me out?"
• "Do you think somebody would buy me free drinks at the bar?"
• "Do I look like a Lesbian? Would women find me attractive?" LOL
• "I look like I lost my mind and went Britney Spears crazy?"

My Mother's Perspective

My mom gave me a different outlook.  She said that my hair loss and image change is like a cocoon.  I'm being reborn and after chemotherapy, my hair and skin will look better than ever.  Of course, being the Korean mom that she is, she also said I should lose some weight and I'll look better than ever. LOL.  My mom said to think of Chemotherapy as morphing into a beautiful butterfly.  Sure I look funny now, but this too is God's blessing, and most people after cancer look better and healthier than ever before.  Now, I just need to start eating more veggies and lose about 20 lbs.  Unfortunately, chemo has only changed my appetite slightly. I seem to have no problems with food - just a little.

Another Side Effect from Chemo

Dry bubbling skin

 My side effects from chemo have been fatigue, hair loss, sensitive stomach, lip and mouth soreness, diarreah, and appetite changes.  I'm also experiencing dry skin but it's strange to see my finger tips drying up, bubbling and peeling.

I'm using Vitamin E oil, Baby Oil, Diaper Rash Ointment and Cocoa Butter on my skin but it seems to help a little.  Strange.

Second Chemotherapy Treatment

My sweet Hubby, Pete

My mom and Pete went with me during my second chemotherapy treatment.  While I was out of it on Benadryll, my mom placed my Magical Uniform Pillow Pet on me to comfort me.  I wore my Supergirl black t-shirt that came with a cape to boost my spirit.  Few of the other patients and nurses laughed when they saw my Supergirl outfit.  LOL.  I'm glad I lifted their spirits too.

My mom and Pete

My Mom placing my Magical Unicorn Pillow Pet

 I'm very thankful to have such loving friends and family to support me through all this.  God is revealing love, not just his love, but through others.  There are angels in this world and I have to say, they are all around us.  I am so appreciative of Lexington Medical Team.  They are the best staff I've every worked with.

My treatment took 4 hours which included lab work.  It went by pretty quickly.  I was sleepy but I ended up socializing with the other folks also receiving chemo with me.

Please pray for Ms. Linda Johnson who is also receiving chemotherapy treatment with me on Wednesdays.  Unfortunately for her, her cancer battle is long and severe. She had stage 3 breast cancer in 2006 and recovered.  Sadly, her breast cancer spread to her bones, eyes, brain and her lungs.  I asked when she will finish her chemotherapy but her treatment is indefinite.  Ms. Linda Johnson is terminally ill.  Please pray for her health.

Thank you for your prayers.  God listens because I'm staying strong throughout all this.

I know I am not alone through this. God is with me.  Through this experience, I choose to model after Job and keep my faith and eyes on the Lord.

I was so sleepy and tired 

 "Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked I will depart.  The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised"

Job 1:21

Days After the First Chemo Treatment - Finding Intestinal Fortitude

The Week Before Chemo

After my portacath surgery, I had a week to heal before my first chemotherapy treatment.  If recovering from surgery wasn't enough, I had to endure the side effects from the estrogen hormone suppressant shot called "Lupron".   Lupron is administered to hibernate my ovaries and put me into early menopause.  This is because the type of breast cancer I have feeds off of my estrogen.  Theoretically, killing my estrogen means starving and killing the cancer cells.  Lupron also saves my ovaries from chemotherapy so I may have children in approximately 5 years after my cancer treatment is complete.

The funny thing about this situation is that, I always saw myself as a tom boy.  Who knew I was overflowing with estrogen.  Dr. Tucker reaffirmed that I will not be losing my femininity in any way.  I won't be growing hair in strange places or grow muscles like a female bodybuilder on steroids.  

Another funny revelation is, I don't necessarily see myself as how others see me.  I often picture myself as being a loud, obnoxious tough girl with an annoying giggle.  I feel like a roaring tiger..."ROOOAAARRR"...

Unfortunately, my family and friends see me as a little kitty.  They hear my "ROOAARRR" as "Mew Mew Mew".  They say I'm very girly and feminine.  Hmmm.  No wonder this cancer grew from my overflowing estrogen level. 

The side effects I experience from Lupron are periodic hot flashes, swelling on my extremities, bloating and water retention.  Before the shot, I weighed in at 135 lbs.  Five days after the shot, my belly swelled like I was three months pregnant.  I weighed in at 147 lbs - gaining 12 lbs of water.  I swear its water because my belly, extremities and face swelled like a water balloon.

First Chemo Treatment

I know I previously blogged about my First Chemo Treatment Experience.  However, I now have photos from that day.

Pete and I - Just got connected to Benadryl

 Pete and my mother attended my first chemotherapy session.  The whole procedure took 5 hours long.  I sat on a comfortable recliner and Nurse Marie plugged my IV into my portacath and filled me up with saline and Benadryl.

As you can see, I was awake momentarily for the photo op with Pete. This was before the Benadryl wiped me out.

Mom and I - Benadryl in effect. I barely kept my eyes open

Mom and I - Benadryl knocked me out!

My mother attempted to take a photo with me while I was getting my Benadryl injection.  I barely kept my eyes open.  As you can see, I wasn't too successful at staying awake.  

And then, ZZZZZzzzzzz.  Benadryl hit me so hard.  I was knocked out cold within 5 seconds. LOL. This is the photo my mom got of me at my first chemo. 

About an hour later, I woke up from my nap and I attempted to do some work.  To my clients - I swear, I do try to work while I'm coherent. 

Attempting to work

Here I am trying to do some work.  I don't remember what I was working on.  I swear I wasn't playing Candy Crush!!!  Maybe I was checking Facebook....

Finding Intestinal Fortitude After Chemo

Receiving the chemotherapy injection was the easy part.  The challenging task was to endure the side effects of this potent cell killing drug and the immune boosting Neulasta shot.  This Neulasta shot also gave horrible side effects.  I couldn't distinguish between the painful side effects or an incoming infection.

The first 7 days after chemotherapy was indescribably painful and miserable.  I have to agree with other cancer patients and admit, going through chemotherapy isn't for the faint of heart.  I didn't feel very good the first few days.  My stomach burned and I couldn't eat anything accept bland food.  The smell of certain food made me nauseous.  Luckily, I was heavily equipped with anti-nausea pills so I never vomited, however, I did experience frequent diarrhea. 

The pain from Chemo/Neulasta can be described as a wave of constant sharp and throbbing ache from the joints and bone.  It just keeps throbbing throughout the day and night.  Pain medicine only masks the pain a little but it doesn't completely erase it.  My body ballooned with water retention.  My face, neck, and back swelled and ached so much that I went to Lexington Urgent Care in Chapin on Sunday.  We initially thought I was coming down with an infection.  However, after several tests and blood drawls, my white blood cell count was extremely high and I was simply suffering from the side effects of Neulasta.  I went home feeling sheepish.

To summarize the first week - I had good days and bad.  The first five days, I sat with a brain fog with constant ache.  I ate nothing but bland food.  I didn't feel like doing anything.

Second Week after Chemo

My health improved significantly after day 10.  I weaned myself off of pain meds and started to eat relatively normal again.  My body couldn't handle raw vegetables or spicy dishes.  However, I ate pretty much everything.  I would get fatigue easily and need to rest at home.  Slowly but surely, I feel more like myself.  I had my blood drawn today and again my white blood cell count was extremely high.  They said I'm really healthy and overall, I'm doing very well.  For my next chemotherapy treatment, we will not administer the Neulasta shot and see how I do with my immune system.

God prepared me very well for this journey.  Just a few months ago, I ran a 10K with my Run for God group.  He knew I would be able to handle this journey with my strong mind and body.  I have faith and trust in God that this cancer experience draws me closer to Him more than ever.  

Today 23 Aug 13 - 2nd Lupron Shot 

I received my second Lupron shot today.  I am already swelling like a balloon again!

Waiting for Nurse Teresa

 After since my diagnosis, I spend a lot of time at the Lexington Medical Campus.  All I do is wait around for my turn to be seen.  This morning, I spent my time in Oncology, getting my lab work done and meeting with Nurse Teresa and Stephanie.  Stephanie gave me my monthly Lupron shot in my butt.

I tried really hard to stay relaxed and not tense my butt cheeks while I waited for the shot.  Stephanie would count to three and I would let out a quick yelp.  I can feel the stick...it stings!  Afterwards, I would rub my butt pain away.  LOL.

My sister, Kyoung and I waiting together

Visit from Belinda Forrest

My good friend, Belinda Forrest, came by to visit me at my humble home.  What a wonderful surprise! We shared dinner and good laugh together.  She also shared with me the verse that spoke to her heart.  She said everywhere she turned, she saw Jeremiah 29:11-13 and thought of me.  Thank you Belinda for sharing this with me.  

Belinda and I

Jeremiah 29:11-13

New International Version (NIV)

11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.

First Chemotherapy Treatment

Not knowing what to expect - 14 August 2013

I dreaded my first chemotherapy session. Mostly because I didn't know what to expect and all I felt was the sore and tenderness of my portacath surgery area. I couldn't imagine a thick needle penetrating an area that was already so painful.

 When Pete drove me to the hospital and parked the car, I felt a warm flood of tears building up in my eyes. I tried to lift my head up and make my tears disappear. Instead I felt that familiar warm wave of emotions - you know where your eyes get wet and your nose tingles cause you're about to cry. The only thing I told myself was to stay strong and stop feeling sorry for myself.  It was just a brief flitting moment.  I just couldn't believe that I...I have cancer....and I have to suck it up, pound sand, and get through this...and maintain a happy face...not just for my own sanity but for those around me too.  

My mom must have seen my face because she said it's normal to feel the way I do. She said this is when you realize you really are a sick patient and you're unhealthy.  She said she was in disbelief too when she went through breast cancer herself.  At that moment, I really appreciated her being with me - besides all the good cooking and cleaning she's been doing at my house. LOL.

When we got into the hospital, I was immediately whisked away for blood work.  They drew 4 vials of blood, each to test for white blood and red blood count; liver function; and I forgot the last one.  After that, I went into the Oncology room.  It was a large bright open bay with rows of recliner chairs occupied by people like me, receiving their chemotherapy.  Most of the people were senior citizens.  I believe I was one of the youngest looking patients.  It's so surreal to be sitting in a room like this.  I felt like I was sent to a nursing home already. This is when reality hit again - that I really do have cancer.

I am assigned to Nurse Marie in the third treatment section of the bay.  She has 31 years of nursing experience which most of her years were spent in Oncology. I immediately appreciated her experience and thanked the Lord for blessing me with Nurse Marie to take care of me.  She was so knowledgeable and reviewed all the different fluid bags I was to receive.  

I'm so lucky to have my mother and Ms. Elaine Clary share their chemo experience and they prepped me very well for this moment.  Knowing how painfully thick the chemo needle would be, I've ordered a prescription for lidocaine creme to local anesthetize the area an hour prior to my appointment. Lucky I did this because when Nurse Marie inserted the needle into my port, I didn't feel any pain.  Just a slight pressure of the needle entering the plastic sounding port with a pop.  Then she started my saline IV and I smelt a rush of rubbing alcohol.  Later, she began a packet of Benadryl to reduce any chance of allergies against the chemo drugs - Taxotere.  

When she started Benadryl on me, I immediately felt drowsy and I couldn't keep my eyes open.  I felt like I took a shot of Barcardi 151.  I felt warm, I got the giggles, my eyes kept shutting, and I had tears in my eyes.  I can't really explain why I had a flood of tears...it's a mix emotion of trying to fight sleep overcoming me, to a slight scare that I couldn't control my own mind, and a giggle fit.  I was high as a kite.  After I napped a little, I woke up feeling refreshed.  Nurse Marie then started my Taxotere treatment and it smelled like crazy glue to me.  It's the strangest feeling to smell these chemicals through my nose/mouth...from the inside of my body.  

My whole treatment took up a whole 5 hours.  It was a long day.  I had to pee several times due to all the fluids being injected into me.  I felt so old and sick pushing my IV bag on wheels back and forth to the bathroom like all the other old patients.  Bless my mom's heart for trying to help me push my IV bag with me to the bathroom.  But I told her I can push it myself because she was pushing it too slow for me. Making me feel even more helpless and pathetic.  She asked me if I didn't feel dizzy.  I told her just a little but wheeling the IV bags acted like a stroller and helped balance me out.  She made a crack saying that I'm still young, vivacious,and healthy and I'll be fine. LOL.

I felt bad to see my mom and Peter sitting with me during the whole 5 hours of the treatment.  How boring and depressing it must be to just sit there and watch me.  Well, they had their laptops and such but still, how boring it must be.  I told Pete he can go shopping and come back for me later.  He eventually took me up on that offer and went to Lowe's to buy some stuff to fix around the house.  We are still working on our shabby chic home renovation - the endless DIY money pit project.

The 5 hours seem to have rather quick for me.  I think it's because I slept most of the time.  I didn't feel too hungry. I think I left the hospital feeling very swollen from all the fluids injected into me.  

Side Effects for Me after Chemo (Taxotere)

I felt a tingly sensation on the right side of my scalp while I was receiving my chemo injection.  If I'm a betting woman, I'm betting that I'll lose the right side of my hair first.  It's just an odd tingly feeling at the root.  

My sense of smell has heighten and I just don't like the smell of anything strong.  My Korean Mom opened up a bag of Shrimp Chips on our car ride home in the back.  That smell was so horrible it was making me nauseous.  Now, I LOVE Shrimp Chips...I love them. Ask my Iraq roommate, Angie Rish, who had to deal with me eating those stinky things in our small room we shared. LOL.  Poor girl never complained about my stinky Asian care package treats.  But I had to ask my mom to stop eating it and chew some gum cause I was smelling it all around me and it was making me gag.  Pete rolled the windows down for me to get some fresh air.

By the time I got home, I didn't experience anymore nausea but my gastrointestinal area just burned.  My stomach and intestines felt like it was melting away...it was a horrible burning feeling.  And then I was super gassy, bubble guts, and had diarrhea a few times. I had to call the on-call doctor to see what I can do to get rid of the stomach pain.  He said Imodium AD and Pepcid AC should help relief the burn.  

I didn't eat much dinner.  All I wanted was bland food to make my stomach pain go away.  I knew I was hungry but all I wanted was simply bland food.  Thankfully, my mom knew just what I needed and prepared squash soup for me.  It was delicious.

During my shower, my shampoo and conditioner didn't smell as nice as I thought. I typically use Bed Head or Dove hair products.  This time, I smelt all the harsh chemicals in each of the products.  I stopped breathing it in just wash my hair. But I thought to myself than I need to go by some organic natural shampoo here on out.  

I went to bed rather well.  With all the other pain throughout my body, it took away my original portacath pain on my neck and chest.  I slept comfortably on my bed for the first time since my portacath surgery.  I woke up feeling somewhat refreshed.

Feeling like Super Girl the next day - 15 August 2013

The next morning after chemo, I woke up feeling refreshed.  I took all my pills including anti-nausea pills. Ate a little squash soup. I wasn't feeling hungry but I knew I had to eat something.  I still didn't feel 100% but not nearly as bad as I thought I should be.  Once again, I had another visit to the Oncology to get my follow up shot for Neulasta - a shot to reduce the risk of infections and increases your white blood cell.  

I swear that shot made me feel like I was Super Girl.  I got home with all the energy in the world.  I turned on to watch my recorded CMA award show and I got super hyper at home listening to Carrie Underwood's performance. I danced a little, then I picked up my weights and did some squats and arm exercises.  Then I hopped on to my stationary bicycle for a little bit.  Then I took my mom for a walk through our woods.  I looked back at my slow moving mom and I can see that her visit with me was taking a toll on her energy level.  She walked slower than me and I thought to myself that she probably needed my Neulasta shot herself.

My mom has been so busy caring for me that she looked tired.  I need to give her a break too considering she is still a cancer patient herself.  Moms....aren't they just so selfless.  My mom is the best.

Later in the evening, I began to feel the bone/joint aches - common side effects of Neulasta.  So, my Super Girl enery had drained out and I basically went to bed at a decent time.  LOL.  Took my usual meds and slept soundly.

This Morning - 16 August 2013

I woke up early this morning - 5:30 am and I picked up my daily devotions from Sarah Young, "Jesus Calling".  This morning's devotion hit my heart and I heard Jesus speaking to me.  

For those who don't have this wonderful devotion, this is what it read:

Meet me in early morning splendor.  I eagerly await you here. In the stillness of this holy time with Me, I renew your strength and saturate you with Peace.  While others turn over for extra sleep or anxiously tune in to the latest news, you commune with the Creator of the universe.  I have awaken in your heart strong desire to know Me.  this longing originated in Me, though it now burns brightly in you.

When you seek My Face in response to My Love-call, both of us are blessed. This is a deep mystery, designed more for your enjoyment than for your understanding.  I am not a dour God who discourages pleasure. I delight in your enjoyment of everything that is true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable. Think on these things, and my Light in you will shine brighter day by day.

Verse that struck my heart this morning - 

But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. - Isaiah 40:31.

Wasn't that a beautiful verse? I felt like I could run 3 miles this morning - but my sorry excuse is - it's raining outside. LOL.

Portacath Surgery

The Day of my Portacath Surgery

Pete and I in the wait room

 Like my previous surgery before, I had to stop all eating and drinking at midnight. Just like a little piggy, I made sure I didn't miss a meal until midnight. My plan of stuffing myself worked. I managed to get through the morning without breakfast and coffee.

We waited in the wait room for an hour until my room was prepared.  The nurse made me pee into a cup to ensure I wasn't pregnant before my surgery. I guess my reassurance wasn't good enough.  Pete and I must be going around with a "We're In Love and we're like rabbits" look or something....LOL.

Mom and I in the wait room

Dr. Lynn Tucker and I before surgery time

Uncle Peter, Aunt Catherine and I after surgery

My mom flew in the morning of my surgery from Los Angeles.  Poor mom, her flight was delayed due to maintenance issues at LAX and she was forced to fly red eye.  Red eye was right.  She was so exhausted by the time change and flight but she stayed awake the whole day with me during surgery.  What a trooper!

My mom is a recent breast cancer survivor too.  I asked how about her portacath surgery. She said she was awake and watched the whole surgical procedure.  I asked if it hurt.  She said she didn't feel a thing.  I told her I'm being put to sleep cause I just don't want to know.  She said I wasn't her daughter cause I didn't take after her boldness. LOL.  

Dr. Lynn Tucker came by to see me before my surgery.  She is a wonderful and gifted surgeon.  She ensures I'm comfortable and I go home with pain killers - even when I think I'll be okay. LOL.  Good thing she's smarter than me cause I assumed it would be a minor surgery and I would be okay.  Well, once the local anesthesia wore off in the surgery area, I almost cried.  There are two incisions made - one to insert the port and the other incision is where they use a wire to puncture the central vein in order to insert a tube.  A portacath is primarily used to administer chemotherapy and blood draws.  Its purpose is to save your veins from being overused.  

So, I have two conflicting stories about the surgery.  My version is - I don't remember anything and I slept the whole time.  Pete's version is - Dr. Tucker said I was sedated and I watched to whole procedure on the ultrasound.  Then I was given a shot of amnesia to forget everything.  LOL. Well, it worked cause I remember waking up and being wheeled out of the hospital. 

That evening, I was in the most incredible pain.  I couldn't lay down and sleep. The best description of my pain - I was kicked in the chest by a horse! This pain was far worse than my lumpectomy and my sentinel node biopsy under my arm.  My neck and chest hurt so much that I couldn't get up, laugh, cough or anything that requires strain.  I increased my percocet intake and added motrin.  This helped manage my pain.

My Uncle Pete and Aunt Catherine visited me as they were enroute from a church seminar in Kentucky.  This was a wonderful and pleasant surprise.  It was my first time meeting Aunt Catherine and I really enjoyed her visit.  They are both dedicated to serving the Lord and and shared the meaning of the Holy Spirit with me.  She reminded me that God has never left my side and He is opening my eyes to his Love through this journey.  She also reminded me of all the blessings around me that I take for granted.  I guess it takes somebody from LA to remind me about how there are numbers of city folks who would love to have the opportunity to live in the country like I do.  

I looked around me and I did see God around me.  In the green trees, butterflies and birds that surrounds me and my home.  I see God through the love of the people around me.  I never felt so much love until cancer.  This is quite the blessing.  My life has slowed down so I can see God's presence.

Yes, this girl is all about Green Acres. LOL. I've become an Asian Country Bumpkin. I gave up a BMW for a Kubota Tractor.  What's a Louis Vuitton?  Who's Prada and Gucci?  I like Ariat and Tony Lama cowboy boots.... I'll go shopping at Tractor Supply. LOL.  My LA friends are like...WHAT?  What has become of Moon? 

Recovering from Round 1 - Fight!

Roller Coaster Ride

The past 4 weeks after my Lumpectomy was quite a roller coaster ride of ups and downs.  The first week and half after my surgery was challenging.  Although I felt relatively good, I would fatigue easily and needed to take naps throughout the day.  I knew I was tired when I could hardly keep my eyes opened and sensed an immediate need to sleep.  That was the first two weeks.  On top of sleepiness, I felt nauseous at certain time - mostly when I smelled food.   The food I loved before - cheeseburgers, fries, fried chicken, fried eggs - created a wave of nausea.  I assume my body was still getting rid of the anesthesia in my body.  

After 3 weeks, I felt fine with the exception of sore shoulder/ underarm of the surgical area.  And with the lumpectomy, I didn't feel comfortable with any bouncing, jumping or lying on my belly.  

Week 4, I met with my Oncologist, Dr. Korapatti, and she reviewed every line of my pathology report.  She also reviewed my treatment plan for my particular breast cancer type.  For those of you who are curious about the nitty gritty medical details - I have the Invasive Ductal Carcinoma, Stage II a, Estrogen Receptive Positive, Grade 3 cancer.  For this type of aggressive cancer, I am to undergo 6 sessions of chemotherapy, another surgery to clear my margins, and 6 weeks of radiation.  For this type of chemotherapy, I will be losing my hair.

Dr. Korapatti also put me on a monthly Lupron shot to hibernate my ovaries and put me into early menopause in order to suppress my estrogen and essentially starve and kill the cancer cells.  The side effects I've experienced from Lupron in the past 2 weeks have been:  hot flashes, significant bloating where my stomach extended like I ate a whole watermelon, swelling on my hands and feet (my fingers and toes looked like Vienna Sausages) and worst, cravings - like I'm always hungry and craving for my favorite food!!!  Now, I'm fat but I'm hoping chemotherapy will slim me.  I'm storing up for the worst.

Wednesday, August 7 is my surgery to in place a port catheter in my chest.  The idea is to save your arm from numerous IV stabbings and have a one easy place for nurses to stick the IV without torturing you.  I will be put to sleep during this surgery but no anesthesia will be administered.  I sure do hope I don't wake up in the middle of surgery.  Supposedly, the port catheter is connected to the artery under the collar bone.  I'm not sure if I like the sound of something in my artery.  Kinda sounds weird.

Stay tuned as I progress in this journey!

Results from Surgery

Not what I wanted to hear...

I felt fine a couple of days after surgery.  Soreness on my left arm and some chest pain but it was endurable.  I actually went to the gym just to get out of the house but I only worked out on the bicycle for 15 minutes before I felt tired and dizzy.  I figured some exercise is better than none.  

I even stopped by my office and greeted my fellow Realtors.  

I picked up a new buyer client and showed a house Friday morning.  Then ran over to meet the appraiser for my other client.  I was getting back into the daily routine.

Then I get the call on Friday, 12 July 2013 at approximately 3:30 pm from Dr. Tucker.  She called with the results of my surgery.  I heard, "wah wah wah 1.8 cm tumor but its a grade 3...wah wah aggressive....abnormal tumor shaped like a star....your tumor grew a leg....wah wah...we need to do another surgery and remove cancer from your muscles...wah wah wah...two of your lymph nodes metastasized...wah wah...positive cancer cells....wah wah...we won't be removing any more of your lymph nodes...wah wah wah..chemotherapy....Did you make an appointment to see me?....oh good...See you on Wednesday." Click.

I know I shouldn't be stunned but I was.  I was disappointed about undergoing another surgery.  I cried a little bit from the shock.  Then texted my friends.  It's nice to have a cheerleading team rallying for me.

What I'm beginning to see...

This may sound crazy but I am beginning to see this cancer as a blessing.  I prayed numerous times for God to use me as his vessel and allow me to do his work.  Although I may not fully comprehend His intentions or immediately see His work and I certainly may not agree with his course of action, I see God's work around me.  Yes, I cry momentarily from the shock of the news and I'm deathly afraid of needles but I am embracing this experience as another adventure in my life.  

In this journey, I am experiencing love from old and new friends, co-workers, families, and strangers.  I am meeting so many new people I've never would have met without this ice breaker.  My dear friend and fellow Realtor, Belinda Forrest, cried for me when she heard the news.  I've always called her my "Realtor Mom" and she cried for me as much as my own blood mother did.  Her tears stunned me and I realized her genuine love and care for me. Who said Realtors were cut throat and competitive?  Selling homes are our financial means to survive and I was so deeply touched when Belinda said she will help me with anything...even work buyer leads for me and not take any commission.  That is a HUGE generous offering.  Nobody in this business makes a generous offer like that.  For that, I highly recommend and endorse Ms. Belinda Forrest as one of the best Realtors in the world.  

My other Realtor colleagues, Jane Lafferty and Skip Sheeley, have been so supportive.  They call to check up on me and offer me any assistance I need.  Jane teaches me all sorts of things...real estate and vegetarian lifestyle.  

My Run for God and Choir friends at Riverland Hills Baptist Church have been so supportive. Their prayers and support keeps me going everyday.  Diane, Nancy, Jeanna, Stuart, Keri and others I haven't listed....I thank God every day for the fellowship and their supportive rally.

My husband, Pete...who endures my impatience, meanness and crabbiness.  His compassion, forgiveness, and love shows me time and time again what marriage means.  There are times when I try to sabotage our marriage with my Korean dramatic soap opera flair but yet through Pete, I see 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 - Love is patient, love is kind.  I see strength in Pete's eyes when I grow weak and scared.

My little sister, Kyoung, has grown to take more of the big sister role in caring for me.  Although we have our sibling rivalry and argue often, she is also my best friend who understands me and where I come from.  Funny how she used to look up to me as a child but now I look up to her - literally.  She's always been my best caretaker and now, she's stepping up to that plate again. We mutually know we are all we have when our parents pass.

My sister-in laws, Jen and Emily...they understand what it means to be an in-law and not have immediate parents near by.  They have been so kind and generous...checking up on me...bringing me food, inviting me over for food, delivering food....no wonder I'm chubby...they keep feeding me!  And they can cook too!

My neighbors, the Wootens, have been so kind  to my husband and I with food and helping out with our yard work.  Who does that???  Amazing...

Walking in my mother's shoes or Veggie Tales?

This experience also makes me understand my mother's journey with breast cancer.  I'm literally walking in her shoes.  Here's the funny thing...when I wasn't in her shoes, I was her cheerleader...I would say things like, "You can fight this Mom!  You can do this!  Fight Cancer! You got this!  Don't give up!"  LOL.

Now I laugh to myself when I hear people say those words, "Moon, you can kick cancer's ass!  Moon, you are strong  you got this!  Fight Cancer!  You can beat it!"

I ponder how I am going to fight cancer?  How do I fight at the cellular level? I don't know where the cancer's ass is for me to kick?  LOL.  Do I put on punching gloves of broccoli and kale?  Or Carrots?  What am I fighting?

I'm pretty much shadowboxing myself with a fistful of vegetables.  Soon my story will become VeggieTales.

I know, I know...these words of encouragement is to keep my spirits up.  The only thing I can control is my diet.  I'm going to beat Cancer by juicing myself with carrots, kale, spinach and a splash of apple juice.  LOL.

Another control element to this fight is my sense of humor. I have to laugh and find humor in everything. It's just too funny. 

I am finally letting Jesus take my wheel.  I realize what I can control and what I can't.  I trust in the Lord and my heart is at peace.  I'm excited about where this is going to take me and whom I'll meet in this journey.

In the meantime, a girl's gotta make a living.  Is there anybody who needs to sell their home? LOL.  I trust God will provide. Maybe I'll list a big fancy doctor's home on Lake Murray? ;)

Surgery Week

The Week of Surgery

Pre-Op - Monday, 8 July 2013

Before the day of the surgery, I had to endure the pre-op process.  It reminded me of the Army's in-processing routine.  The first appointment was to register with the hospital and discuss my finances or how I'm going to pay my medical bills.  Luckily, I have Tricare Standard through the Army Reserves but other than that, everything else will come out of my pocket in deductibles.  I'm lucky for this.  I did ask the representative what my options were if I couldn't afford the medical treatment or didn't have insurance. I assumed I would be turned away but surprisingly, the hospital does offer payment plans, medicaid, and other financial options/charities for cancer treatments.

After the financial discussion, I was led to the nurse's office for the "Interview/Assessment".  The nurse basically verified my personal and medical information.  My blood was drawn for whatever reasons - I assume it was to ensure I wasn't pregnant? - and then I had a chest x-ray.  I'm not sure what they were looking for in the x-ray since all I saw was my bone structure, shadow of my heart and lungs and this atomic bomb cloud looking thing.  I pointed at the cloud and asked what that image was.. The technician said it was gas in my stomach.  I laughed. I knew I was full of hot air...LOL.

My next pre-op appointment was to get the SLN (sentinel lymph node) injections in my breast in Nuclear Medicine. I've never heard of Nuclear Medicine and imagined myself glowing in the dark after the injections. The Radiologist made four injections into my areola with a blue radioactive tracer that is supposed to travel into my lymph node system.  The blue tracer would allow the surgeon to easily find my lymph nodes for biopsy and test for cancer cells.  I'm not going to lie about this...the injections stung...a lot.

My husband, a 6'3 manly of all men type of guy, held my hand during this process but sat on the floor with weak knees and wouldn't dare peek at the needle injections.  Now, you have to know my husband.  When I say manly, he is all about guns, hunting, trucks, etc...and he bends at the knees for Jesus and needles. LOL.

After the injections, I waited an hour while moving my arm around in order to help the tracer travel up my lymph node system.  Pete and I went to the cafeteria, ate some danish and drank some coffee while watching the thunderstorm and hospital employees run without umbrellas.  After the hour, I ran back upstairs to Nuclear Medicine and had another chest x-ray but it was to find glowing lymph nodes.  The imagery was like stars in the desert night.  One big star stood out and the technician said that was my lymph node.

Surgery, Tuesday, 9 July 2013

I was nervous on the day of surgery.  I barely slept and per directions, I didn't eat or drink anything after midnight, so I woke up feeling hungry.  Then again, I'm always hungry. I laid in bed and read another chapter of "Dear God, They Say its Cancer" and the bible verses the author shared comforted me. I have to remind myself that God is ultimately in control and I have to trust in Him.

Fear of Malpractice

I dressed into my button up pajama set.  Pete laughed and asked if I was really going in with my PJs. I said, "Yes! They said to dress comfortably so I'm dressed to sleep right away when I come back home."  We also decided to assist the surgical team and ensure they cut into the correct anatomy.  After hearing horror stories of surgeries gone wrong and patients missing limbs for minor surgery, I grabbed a sharpie marker and told Pete to write "Do not remove" on my body.  We laughed so hard when we wrote "Do Not Remove" on my healthy boob and "Do Not Remove, Lypo Only" on my tummy.  My laughter turned into tears and my husband silently hugged me.

Pete drove me to the hospital and I gotta say, walking into the hospital felt like the green mile for me.  My legs felt so heavy like I was dragging an iron ball and chain.  My heart sank with fear but I smiled my goofy smile when I walked passed people.  One lady said, "Now you're smart and well prepared to come in your pajamies!"  

I checked in with the surgery lobby.  The desk lady, a volunteer, explained the process and handed Pete a vibrating box thing that restaurants do for long wait time.  I laughed and said, "Can I have fries and milk shake with that?"  The lady said, "No, but you'll get a room with a bed." 

An hour later, our vibrating box lights up and Nurse Robyn greets us and shows us to our room.  I changed into my gown that opens in the back with my butt hanging out.  Very awkward, by the way, since I'm mooning everybody in the room.  I lay on my bed and found the hospital bed to be very comfortable.

As Robyn was helping me get settled in bed, I giggled and asked her, "Does anybody ever leave skidmarks on the bed? Cause that would be embarrassing."  Robyn laughs and says, "I've never been asked that question in 16 years of nursing. But if somebody left skidmarks, nobody would say anything."  We all laughed.  It was so refreshing to just laugh.

 Robyn sets up a heat blower into my gown which kept me warm during the duration of surgery. She applied leg compressors - which I enjoyed since it felt like a lovejoy massage chair.  Robyn sets up my IV which Pete, of course cringes, our eyes meet briefly and he looks away in grimace.  I tell him he's a big baby and it wasn't so bad. 

Then as we draw nearer to surgery time, I met with the Anesthesiologist who asked me about my past drug allergies and surgeries.  Dr. Lynn Tucker, my surgeon, comes into the room, holds my hands and confirms my surgical site.  She laughed hard and said "You crazy girl" when she saw my "Do Not Remove" markings. LOL.  When it was time to get wheeled away, the anesthesiologist gave me a relaxer.  Pete kissed me and said "I'll see you later."  I prayed quietly that God will bless the surgical team.  I remember seeing the surgery lights and then I was out.  

I woke up next to the post-anesthesiology nurse who offered me Sprite.  I was so thirsty I asked for a second serving.  I was groggy and barely remember her wheeling me into a room.  Pete came in to greet me. The nurse put me into the wheelchair and Pete picked me up at the curb.  Everything was a blur.  Pete stopped by Walmart to pick up my drugs. I don't know if I slept in the car but I remember walking into the bathroom at home and looking at my incisions.  I had no dressing. I was glued.  I thought the "small" incision was larger than I thought under my arm.  The incision on my areola was nice and clean.  But I was still grossed out.

I slept the whole day and woke up the next day at about 10 am. And then slept some more.

Unexpected News

Pete and Moon Birochak

"You have Breast Cancer..."

Hello friends, my name is Moon Birochak and I was recently diagnosed with breast cancer.  When I say, recently, I mean, I was notified this week - on Wednesday, June 26, 2013.

Disclaimer to my readers:

Welcome to my blog - my space where I will vent, cry, laugh, and share my experience with breast cancer.  To my readers, my writings are straight from my heart - plain honest and straight forward. You may not like some of the things you read or see; You may not agree with me; You may find me offensive.  I do use adult foul languages at times. But I won't apologize.  You have the freedom and liberty to stop reading my blogs.  So please don't judge me and just go find another blog to read.  If not, feel free to proceed.

In the beginning

I knew I was at high risk for breast cancer when my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2009 but she was 53 years old.  I expected breast cancer when I reached her age, not now at 35 years old.  I was surprised and stunned.  It took me a few days to compose myself and share this with my friends and family without breaking down in tears.

I began self breast examination ever since my breast began to develop, especially when my mother identified her first fibroid tumor in her breast when she was in her 30s.  Ever since then, I knew I needed to check my breasts on a regular basis. My first fibroid tumor was identified after a biopsy sometime in 2010.  (I'm guessing here because I can't exactly remember the time frame). Needless to say, I didn't worry about it since my doctor said it was normal for young women.

Unfortunately, I identified another lump but it was in my left breast about 3 months ago.  The strange thing about this lump that worried me was the thickening feeling around the lump along with the dry patchy area on my areola.  I thought it was the winter weather so I would exfoliate the dry patch and apply tons of lotions and vaseline.  It took me 3 months to check myself in with a doctor who then scheduled me for a mammogram and ultrasound at Lexington Medical Center on Monday, June 24, 2013.  The biopsy was immediately scheduled the next day.  During the biopsy, the surgeon and the technicians comforted me and said my samples looked "rubbery like a fibroid and not to worry."

Well, guess what.  Wednesday afternoon at approximately 3:30 pm, Kelly Jeffcoat, oncology nurse, called me with the results of the biopsy.  She called and said, "Moon, is this a good time to talk?"  Sure I said, I mean, it can't be bad, right?  I was driving on the freeway on the way to meet my client to get a real estate purchase contract signed.

The Biopsy Results

Kelly proceeded to tell me the biopsy was cancer.  I couldn't breathe at the moment.  I was stunned.  Shocked.  Completely in disbelief.  Denial.  Was she talking to the right person?  Maybe the paperwork messed up?  Is she confused with whom she is talking to?  All these thoughts went through my mind.  How can I possibly have cancer when my last physical exam showed me in good health?

I started to breakdown and cry on the phone.  Kelly tried to comfort me and said she'll schedule an appointment with a surgeon right away.  I said, thank you and I hung up the phone.  My next call was to my husband, Pete.  I sobbed while I tried to break the news to him.  Pete, on the other hand, took it really well. He was making all sorts of plan of actions for me.  If he was shocked or worried, he didn't show it. My husband was confident and strong about the whole situation.  His attitude calmed me.  That's when I knew I love my husband and I appreciated his strength in this matter.

Meeting the Surgeon, Dr. Lynn Tucker at Lexington Surgical Associates

I met with Dr. Lynn Tucker on Friday, June 28, 2013.  As soon as I met her, I liked her.  Most of all, I trusted her.  She reviewed my pathology report and made her recommendation with confidence.  I asked her questions on my options between lumpectomy and mastectomy.  She suggested lumpectomy since my tumor was manageable and she was able to save my breast.  If I elect mastectomy, I would lose my nipple.  However, I would be candidate for reconstructive surgery since my breast would not be the same size.  Worse, it will be disfigured - however slight it may be.  Honestly, I was uplifted by this news.  I asked her if my insurance would cover the boob job.  She said, absolutely.  It's reconstructive surgery.  I said, "Thank you Jesus for my new pair of perky boobs."

At this time, my surgery is scheduled for July 9.  I'm very nervous and anxious about my surgery.  I'm not concerned about the scar that will be left behind on my breast.  I'm more concerned about my psychological damage when it's time to remove the bandage and I see the remains of my breast.  

Yes, I'm vain

The thought of disfiguring my breast disturbs me.  I feel like I haven't worn enough skanky tops, low cuts, v-necks, etc. to warrant my breast loss.  Strange that I was more conservative when I had even boobs.  Now, I feel ripped off..like the freedom to choose is revoked from me.  I don't even have a choice in this matter.  I've decided that on the fourth of July weekend, I'm just going to let my sisters hang loose - wear a bikini...wear anything that shows the cleavage.

Insecure Thoughts

The more I read about surgery, the more my imagination runs wild.  I googled images of lumpectomy and of course, it freaked me out.  I couldn't help but wonder what my husband will think of me after the surgery.  Will he find me attractive?  Unlike other men, my husband isn't much of a boob man.  Or he never exhibited any signs of ever being a boob man.  I guess I'm blessed in this respect. But it still leaves me insecure...

God, is this in your plan for me?

I'm a Christian but I'm a young Christian.  I describe myself as such because I struggle with God.  I can't seem to completely trust in God and let Jesus take the wheel from me.  I'm a control freak.  I know I need to stay strong and positive about this.  But I can't help but ask God why me.  Yeah yeah, people say God won't give you anything you can't handle but why me?  

Some of the things people say are:

-"I'm so sorry to hear about your cancer.  Pray to God for he is the ultimate healer"

-"Stay strong Moon! I know you can kick cancer's ass"

- "You're in my thoughts and prayers!"

- "It's won't be bad. Just an incision" (I replied - Easy for you to say, it's not your boobs)

I'm reading Dear God, They Say Its Cancer, a Christian book written by a Breast Cancer Survivor.  The author, Janet Thompson, is very optimistic and she says God gave her the mission to write about her cancer experience to help other women.  I can't say I share this sentiments right now.  Does this mean I'm a horrible Christian?  

The way I see it is: God loves me but he also teaches me lessons.  I say this because prior to my cancer revelation, I was feeling depressed and unhappy about my life.  I don't know if you share this feeling about your life sometimes but life hasn't been anything I envisioned when I was young.  So yes, I'm very disappointed with myself and my life.  I always thought I would be in a different place in my life.  But instead, every day is a challenge and hardship.  

I've read a lot of books - The Purpose Driven Life, etc...but I'm still left unsatisfied. Is it because I don't have the holy spirit in me?  Am I missing Jesus?  If so, where are you Jesus?  I want you in my heart.  Why aren't you in my heart?  Why don't I have that contentment that other Christians possess?  How do I obtain that glow?

God has given me a choice.  To fight and live or give up and let the cancer consume me to death. My fight or flight instinct kicked in...and I choose to fight.  This whole cancer situation really changed my outlook where I am now appreciating the smallest things in life.  I'm appreciating my husband, my friends, family, kind strangers and the medical team.  Is this what God is trying to teach me?  Love?  I guess I'll keep learning about God as I go through this process.