It's raining HAIR and my second Chemotherapy treatment

It's just hair...

My Oncologist nurse, Theresa, warned that I would lose my hair by the second week after my first chemotherapy.  I didn't want to believe her.  No, I refused to believe her. I thought I was resilient, strong, and special.  After all, I have black thick coarse hair and I never foresaw thinning or hair loss in my future.  Yes, I'm that vain and prideful.  

I thought it would be easy to shave my head like Britney Spears or Sinead O'Conner or GI Jane.  I thought I could just give myself a buzz cut that easily. 

But I couldn't.  I had to warm up to the idea.  It was frightening to see my shedding hair. I saw my strands of hair on my pillow, on my shoulders, on the floor, in the sink, on the dining table...everywhere around me.  I tried not to panic but it disgusted and saddened me.   I cried a few times at the thought of losing my hair.  I sniffled a little bit with Pete.  I sniffled a little bit alone in the shower.

My Slow Image Transformation

My long luscious lock early this year 2013

 

The beginning of 2013, I had long black hair pass my shoulders.  Who knew I would be diagnosed with breast cancer that would change my life forever.

This photo with Pete was taken at the Cirque du Soliel performance earlier this year.  It was one of our date nights.  

Short hair cut before my portacath surgery

I decided to cut my hair into a bob before my portacath surgery.  It was a slow transition to get used to the idea of my slow image change.  I really liked my bob.  It was cute. 

This photo was taken with my sister, Kyoung, at my follow up appointment after my first chemotherapy in August.

During the second week after my first chemotherapy, my hair texture was dry and it began to shed.  Since my hair was still long as a bob, my shedding was noticeable. My hair was beginning to fall everywhere.

My Initial Attempt to Shave My Head

On August 29, 2013, I decided to visit my hair stylist, Johanna, at Famous Hair on Harbison to shave my head.  All morning, I cried a little bit at the thought of having to shave my hair.  My husband, Pete, teased me and said "I thought you were all gung-ho about being GI Jane and couldn't wait to shave your head! You're all talk."

I replied that I was trying to be positive and confident about the whole situation but reality is, I didn't want to look like a sick person.  I told myself that losing hair means my cancer cells are dying.  With each and every strand, I imagined another good and bad cell dying away.  

I'm still a woman, a vain woman at that.  I love make up, clothes, shoes, purses....Now I had to think about how I was going to style my bald head.

I sat at the salon waiting for my turn for my hair cut.  But as soon as I sat down with Johanna, the flood of tears were unleashed.  My tears came streaming down as I told Johanna I needed to shave my head.

Johanna ran her fingers through my hair and saw the strands that kept coming out.  She took a brush to assess how much hair I was losing.  She said I was losing hair but because I have such thick hair, I didn't have any noticeable bald spots or anything.  She recommend I get a pix cut.  So, she went scissor happy and chopped, chopped, and chopped.  It was strange to see my fall on my apron and all over the floor.  My head felt lighter and airier.  I liked it.

The Morning After

Constant shedding

Thinning and balding

The day after my pixie cut, clumps of hair began to fall and I noticed a bald spot on the left side of my front head.  My scalp itched like a mad woman and of course, the more I itched and shook my hair, the more it would fall.  Worse, it was all over my clothes and everywhere I went.  The shedding was never ending.  I knew it was time I needed to pull up my boot straps and shave.  

 That evening, I took out my dog grooming clippers.  That's right...my dog clippers cause I didn't have any other clippers around. LOL. As gross as it sounds, I sanitized the clippers I was going to use and I figured I used it on my dog and he seems to be fine.

I was going to shave myself that evening but my Aunt Yoonhee stepped in and said she'll help although she was utterly clueless as it was her first time. I told her I'll help guide her.

Aunt Unnie with my clippers

The first shave

 My Aunt took the clippers and she seemed a little nervous about taking the first shave.  I told her to start from the front and work with the grain the the hair growth.

She did well.  I didn't look at myself in the mirror as she shaved my head.  I was sitting too low but I saw that first clipping fall and I sighed with relief.  I was finally getting the inevitable done and over with.

I was a little nervous at what I would look like. But the shave felt so good as it alleviate my itchy head.  Surprisingly, I didn't cry or feel sorry for myself.  I felt good.

Shaolin Monk style

Perfect egg shape

Kinda messy on the back

My cool and refreshing Shaolin Monk Style.  You can see my receding hair line already. LOL.  When I first glanced at my own reflection in the mirror, I couldn't help but laugh hysterically.  My own image cracked me up.  I don't know if it's a mixture of feeling disbelief and curiosity.  I began to wonder who this woman was that was staring back at me.  She looked tough and strong.  She didn't look ill or like a typical cancer patient.  She looked like she can beat somebody up!  I thought that all I was missing was a nose piercing and an arm band tattoo with a leather jacket.  I would totally look like a character from "The Girl with a Dragon Tattoo."

I was amazed at my nice shaped head. I couldn't help but think that God's blessed me with a nicely shaped head and he prepared me for this journey. LOL.

On Sunday, my mother-in law invited me over for lunch.  My brother-in-law, Ivan, has a shaved head and he said he uses Mach 3 razors to shave his head clean.  I said, Oh, that's how you men do it.  I look his advice that evening.

You can see from the back of my head that my Aunt pretty much shaved what she could as an unprofessional barber. LOL.  I do appreciate that she did it for me.  I initially asked my mother to shave my head but she freaked and said she couldn't do it.  I think she cried as she ran away from me into the kitchen.  So, my Aunt stepped up to the plate.

Discovering the Mr. Clean look

Ms. Clean look. LOL

Who can't admire my perfect head?!!

The following evening, I decided to take the razor blade and give myself a clean shave.  I did it myself because I didn't like the thought of somebody else taking the blade on my head.  So, with a mirror on my one head, I shaved with the other.  It was so surreal to shave and see my find without any hair.

I would be lying to you if I told you I was fine. When I finished, I laughed hysterically at myself.  I laughed so hard I was crying at the same time.  I can't really describe the feelings I felt when I looked at my shiny head.  It was just a jumbo of thoughts.

My thoughts were:

• "OMG.  Look at that perfectly shaped head.  So, this is what my head looks like"
• "This is unbelievably ridiculous.  Who knew I would be bald one day"
• I look like a Shaolin Monk.  Would people think I'm a Monk?
• "If I were single, would I still get dates? Would somebody actually find me attractive and ask me out?"
• "Do you think somebody would buy me free drinks at the bar?"
• "Do I look like a Lesbian? Would women find me attractive?" LOL
• "I look like I lost my mind and went Britney Spears crazy?"

My Mother's Perspective

My mom gave me a different outlook.  She said that my hair loss and image change is like a cocoon.  I'm being reborn and after chemotherapy, my hair and skin will look better than ever.  Of course, being the Korean mom that she is, she also said I should lose some weight and I'll look better than ever. LOL.  My mom said to think of Chemotherapy as morphing into a beautiful butterfly.  Sure I look funny now, but this too is God's blessing, and most people after cancer look better and healthier than ever before.  Now, I just need to start eating more veggies and lose about 20 lbs.  Unfortunately, chemo has only changed my appetite slightly. I seem to have no problems with food - just a little.

Another Side Effect from Chemo

Dry bubbling skin

 My side effects from chemo have been fatigue, hair loss, sensitive stomach, lip and mouth soreness, diarreah, and appetite changes.  I'm also experiencing dry skin but it's strange to see my finger tips drying up, bubbling and peeling.

I'm using Vitamin E oil, Baby Oil, Diaper Rash Ointment and Cocoa Butter on my skin but it seems to help a little.  Strange.

Second Chemotherapy Treatment

My sweet Hubby, Pete

My mom and Pete went with me during my second chemotherapy treatment.  While I was out of it on Benadryll, my mom placed my Magical Uniform Pillow Pet on me to comfort me.  I wore my Supergirl black t-shirt that came with a cape to boost my spirit.  Few of the other patients and nurses laughed when they saw my Supergirl outfit.  LOL.  I'm glad I lifted their spirits too.

My mom and Pete

My Mom placing my Magical Unicorn Pillow Pet

 I'm very thankful to have such loving friends and family to support me through all this.  God is revealing love, not just his love, but through others.  There are angels in this world and I have to say, they are all around us.  I am so appreciative of Lexington Medical Team.  They are the best staff I've every worked with.

My treatment took 4 hours which included lab work.  It went by pretty quickly.  I was sleepy but I ended up socializing with the other folks also receiving chemo with me.

Please pray for Ms. Linda Johnson who is also receiving chemotherapy treatment with me on Wednesdays.  Unfortunately for her, her cancer battle is long and severe. She had stage 3 breast cancer in 2006 and recovered.  Sadly, her breast cancer spread to her bones, eyes, brain and her lungs.  I asked when she will finish her chemotherapy but her treatment is indefinite.  Ms. Linda Johnson is terminally ill.  Please pray for her health.

Thank you for your prayers.  God listens because I'm staying strong throughout all this.

I know I am not alone through this. God is with me.  Through this experience, I choose to model after Job and keep my faith and eyes on the Lord.

I was so sleepy and tired 

 "Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked I will depart.  The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised"

Job 1:21